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Those Cheap Magician Starter Kits Were Missing Something….And No It’s Not A Live Rabbit

Everyone has seen one of those beginner magician sets you get as a kid. They come with a piece of rope, a piece of shit felt hat, a magic wand that has flowers come out of it, and a flower lapel that water shot out of.

As technology progresses with phones and computers, magicians have also been stepping their game up. So pulling a live rabbit out of your hat wasn’t what was missing from those starter sets.

That’s right people….FUCKING FIRE BALLS!!!! No more “Oh hey look I have three rings, now they’re stuck together..now they’re apart…now they’re together.”  Boom! Johnny Flame in this bitch (I know Johnny Flame doesn’t just shoot fire balls…easy, nerds.). A company called Ellusionist has come up with a product called Pyro, that shoots out 4 fire balls when fully loaded. This is most likely the coolest product any magician has made available to the general public. Despite Ellusionist insisting this is not a toy…they made a product that lets you shoot fire from your wrist/hand. To quote Toy Story’s very own Woody ” YOU ARE A TOY!!! T…..O…..Y……..TOY!!! A CHILD’S PLAY THING!!”. The way that you know that this is becoming a toy is simple.  Ellusionist’s pyro sold out instantly!  I’m sure they stock piled knowing that practicing “Magicians” would purchase them. The fact that they are completely sold out, and are continuing to sell out is a big indicator that everyone wants one. I doubt the 18-and-up demographic of guys practicing magic in their basements are causing these things to sell like hot cakes.

At $174, I don’t know why everyone doesn’t have one of these things. So what if its a little bulky on your wrist. It shoots FIRE. All I know is that there are so many pumped little kids going to their best friends house excited as shit. Playing fake super heros and volunteering to be The Human Torch (nobody volunteers to be The Human Torch), then unloading 4 rounds of embers into the air.  Man, am I jealous of that kid. At 25 it’s not as cool, being alone in your back yard yelling “Kamahameha!” at the neighborhood stray cat.

Be that as it may, I am officially ordering mine today. I just wish that it shot blue flames so after I drink a 5th of the whiskey form of fireball, I could make a fake plasma cannon out of cardboard and throw it over my forearm to pretend I’m Samus or Megaman. I mean…uhm…so I can practice “Magic”. Right.

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Sleepy Dan’s Sleeper Jam: The Matrimony – Wale ft. Usher (& Bonus Intro)

Pretty recognizable voice in the introduction, right? No, it’s not American Idol’s Randy Jackson (I don’t care if you don’t get the obscure Step Brothers reference). It’s actually the King of Observational Humor, Sultan of Sitcoms, and one of the undisputed most brilliant comedic minds of our time–Jerry Seinfeld. I know right! I thought it was un-freakin-believable when B.o.B. got Morgan Freeman to give his track an intro and outtro in “Bombs Away,” but this is just next level. Let me also clarify, the person who posted this doesn’t seem to be affiliated with Wale or Usher, so I’m really not sure if this was the work of the studio or a random musical mixing mastermind. Nevertheless–as if the mere fact that you’ve got a Jerry Seinfeld bit for your intro and outtro wasn’t enough, the “roller coaster” and “planets aligning” analogies observed in classic Seinfeld-fashion are such a brilliant combination of hilarious and dead-on true, that I was giving this two thumbs up before the music even started. Oh, and not to mention the fact that the bits align with the song so perfectly is a nice kicker.

Beyond the greatest comedian-musical cameo of all time, this song is great standing alone. I’ll just rip up my man-card and outright admit that Usher’s voice is a pop/R&B treasure. Dude just dishes out eargasms (yeah, I just made that shit up–infer definition accordingly). And Wale, while not ranking in my top hip-hop artists, is at the very least solid. Bottom line is that he and Usher’s styles play off each other well here.

In closing, huge fan of this shit, and you probably will be too if you want a nice rhythmic jam with a surprising twist from the Sein (“Love the Sein!”). Personal sidenote: As a 25 year-old, it’s pretty standard that most of the people in my social circles are in long-term relationships, engaged or even dropped those dreaded “I do”s, so this one goes out to you. That being said, as a bitter, lonely 25 year-old, I hope you’re all at the top of that roller coaster screaming your god damn heads off.

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Bob Barker And Adam Sandler Fighting 2 Decades Later Is Still As Funny As Ever

Back in 1996, Happy productions hit comedic gold having Happy Gilmore fight Bob Barker in a charity game. And man, did they strike comedic gold again. Who says you cant catch lighting in a bottle twice. Enjoy

 

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Michael Jordan Made the Newest List of Billionaires in the World. Will He Be the First to Break the Mold?

Forbes states there are approximately 1,800 billionaires walking this planet. Add to that list, a newcomer.

Michael Jordan has now broken out of the financial bracket of “millionaire” full of all of those other peasants. He added an extra zero onto that bank roll and is playing with the big boys. Now just making an educated guess, Michael Jordan is most likely the most athletic on that list consisting of 1,800 tech nerds and real estate moguls. Here is a visualization of how much a billion is since some people actually cant fathom that amount of money.

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Russell Westbrook to Join a Long Tradition of Masked Basketball Marauders

… And I for one cannot wait to see what type of mask the league’s foremost fashionisto goes with.  Russell Westbrook’s talent has never been in doubt by those who have followed his career on the hardwood. In college, after replacing an injured Darren Collison during his sophomore year at UCLA, he was immediately thrust into the spotlight that perpetually shines (or used to shine) on the Pac-10. He capitalized on the opportunity in a way that we have come to expect only Westbrook could. He went from a backup point guard to one of the most coveted collegiate talents in the nation, starting 34 of 39 games and averaging just shy of 13 PPG, 4 RPG and 4.3 APG. He also led his Bruins to a second consecutive Final Four en route to being named to the All-Pac-10 Third Team. One year later, after going 4th overall in the 2008 draft, we all began to see that his college escapades were only the tip of the iceberg that was his talent, averaging 15.3 PPG, 5.3 APG and 4.9 RPG for the Seattle Supersonics, now the Oklahoma City Thunder. And that was only the beginning.

Flash forward to 2015, and find an Oklahoma City Thunder team that has desperately needed a superhuman performance from someone in the frequent absence of Kevin Durant. Who would rise to this task of keeping the perpetual title-contender Thunder from sinking to the depths of West Coast oblivion alongside the wreckage of teams like the Lakers? RUSSELL GOSH DARN WESTBROOK! Sporting 5 triple doubles already this year and a freaking stat-line of 26.2 PPG, 6.6 RPG, 8.1 APG, and 2.1 SPG has him in the thick of the MVP hunt (which would look nicely hanging next to his All-Star Game MVP award).

So there’s your history lesson about the rise of the seemingly-limitless basketball talent that is Russell Westbrook. Now, allow us to peel back the layer of statistical savagery that many define him as, and see the side that some would debate is even more appealing about the still-blossoming 26 year-old Long Beach, CA native–his superhuman toughness! Cam Newton needs to license his endzone celebration to Westbrook, because the guys absolutely unbreakable. He seems to never be without a splint or brace or padding–and now we can add a mask to the list. Just last week in a matchup against the Portland Trail Blazers, a knee from his own teammate, Andre Roberson, literally put a dent in his face. Check it out:

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There’s No Reason You Should Be Using Anything But This to Wipe Your Windshields

First he was a young man from Austria with a dream. Then he was Mr. Olympia. Soon after he became the on-screen vessel for Conan the Barbarian, and Hollywood took notice of this Herculean man’s great potential. Next he became a household name as a machine sent from the future to kill (and in the sequels, to protect) the savior of humanity. And since then he has been the standard for hyper-masculinity in both action and family films. More recently, he has been known as The Governator, the unfaithful husband, and finally back to the on-screen embodiment of all that is man. Who is this gentleman of whom I speak? (If you haven’t figured it out by now just stop reading.  You’re not worthy) Tis none other than Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger. His journey from rebellious Austrian soldier to one of the most widely-known iconic figures of all time has captivated the public for years, and his list of astonishing accomplishments seems to lead to a single inevitable question–what will he do next?

I’ll tell you what he’ll do next, oh droves of Arnold aficionados. He will clean your windshields.

How this brilliant work of windshield wonderment has eluded the minds of inventors for so long is beyond me. For years we have been using the same archaic forms of plastic, rubber and whatever the hell else goes into the crappy standard wiper model. And alas, the answer for fending off torrential downpours and vengeful snowstorms has been sitting in our DVD collections all along! Introducing, the Arnold Schwarzenegger Windshield Wiper Curls. With a contraction of his mighty biceps, you’ll see the world more clearly than you ever had (when behind the wheel).  I don’t know about you, but next time I’m out on the road battling some unfriendly elements, I’ll be entrusting my vision to the former Governator. To paraphrase the Mighty Olympian, “use my biceps to wipe your windshield if you want to live.”

Stormy weather! You’ve met your Match!!

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Prince Can Actually Ball? Game…Blouses

In one of the more popular Skits from the T.V show the Chappelle show, Prince (played by Dave Chappelle) is depicted playing pick up basketball against Charlie Murphy. Now when originally watching this skit most people assumed it was all made up for the sake of entertainment. However, it seems despite princes height at 5’2, back in the day he had some handle, a solid jumper, and a mean fro.

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The photo above shows Prince back in middle school. Although a photo doesn’t mean that he was actually half way decent. Everyone has plenty of team photos from early years filled with teammates that had no business leaving the house. Teammates that usually get brought up periodically in conversations such as ” Hey you guys remember Tony from middle school football?  You mean Tony the Tit? The guy that wore a “mens” chest support… A.K.A his sisters sports bra ha ha ha……etc”. Besides the photo a short article was found from the Strib Archives. Go ahead, make your own Judgement based on it.

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It’s Official, Chip Kelly is a MAD man.

With crazy rumors suggesting that the Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach will be trading a ridiculous amount of draft picks to grab his boy Mariota, we now have a new wrinkle in the Chip Kelly era.

A trade between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Buffalo Bills is in the works. The birds will be sending their All-Pro running back LeSean “Shady” McCoy to the Rex Ryan Show 2.0 up in Buffalo in exchange for the young, stud linebacker Kiko Alonso. This is a BLOCKBUSTER deal that, as of now, sits atop the headlines of this short lived offseason. 

As an Eagle fan, seeing Shady leave is depressing as fuck. Not just because he’s my favorite player but because he is arguably one of the best running backs in the league. Shady boasts an unfathomable combination of explosiveness, jukes and spins that leave defenders staring in awe, from their asses, as he blows by.

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If J.J. Watt’s offseason housing is considered a “cabin”, what the hell are the rest of us living in?

As the 2014 NFL season was coming to an end, J.J. Watt told the press that he would be spending his offseason training at a cabin in the middle of nowhere.  It’s hard to question the guy.  After receiving a contract extension for 6 years and $100,000,000 (making him the highest paid defensive player in the league), he was in the weight room before dawn the next day, saying that he needed to earn that contract.  The dude works hard and it shows in his play.  This year’s defensive PFF (Pro Football Focus) rankings have him light years ahead of EVERYONE. He finished with a grade of +107.5.  For some reference, the second-best among defensive ends was Sheldon Richardson with a +39.9 grade.  This past season Watt had 21 sacks, 119 total pressures and 61 defensive stops. He also had 10 batted passes, four forced fumbles, an interception, a defensive touchdown, a safety and three RECEIVING touchdowns.  That’s absurd.  But it comes from his insane work ethic.  So when he told the media he’d be spending the offseason out in the woods somewhere, nobody blinked.  It kind of made sense.

 

Busted Coverage published a few photos of Watt’s cabin on Monday, and it certainly doesn’t look like what I was expecting.

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Ronda Rousey Wins Two Title Fights, In The Time Needed To Cook A Pop Tart

Ronda Rousey defeated her opponent Cat Zigano in 14 seconds flat last night. This beats her previous career personal record of defeating Alexis Davis in just 16 seconds. That’s right, she has won two title fights in the allotted time of 30 seconds, half a minute! She’s won two belts before a premature ejactulator has to put his first belt back on after disappointment.

I called this fight immediately after the Davis win, when the UFC was looking for Rouseys “Next Big Challenge”.  Nobody in the womens bantaweight can compete with Rousey. The UFC is just throwing sheep out to slaughter at this point. Dana White has to start getting some real competition or the UFC will soon see declines in people paying to see 10 seconds headlining fights.

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